We should start with a little disclaimer about our stance on stealing: unless there are a handful of extenuating circumstances at play, it’s wrong. That said, every now and then we come across a story about a thief that leaves us laughing. And that’s exactly what happened today.

With a title like “Ohio candy thief targets mostly peanut butter cups,” you know you’re about to read the best thing you’ll read all day. Turns out there’s a candy thief in northern Ohio “who has stolen hundreds of dollars in peanut butter cups from a gas station store.” Hundreds of dollars! I know that gas stations don’t typically have the same low prices as Blair Candy, but regardless, hundreds of dollars will get you more than your fair share of cups.

The article goes on to explain this candy bandit’s M.O. As he usually commits his peanut buttery hustle after midnight, I’m going to profile him as a late night or early morning snacker. Maybe he likes to get a leg up on breakfast, giving his stolen sweets time to cool down in the refrigerator? Just a thought. What we do know for sure is that he’s fast. He pilches the Reese’s peanut butter cups and takes off before employees even have a chance to call the peanut butter police. (These are the regular police, by the way. We just like alliteration.)

As for trying to physically stop the thief, which we wouldn’t recommend anyway – it’s been unsuccessful. A clerk tried to capture this candy criminal but was “spun around” as he got away. I’m sure it wasn’t funny for the clerk involved, but come on, people! There’s a man out there stealing peanut butter cups on the regular, and if you get in his way he will spin you around and speed out the door. And it’s not a cartoon. If this wasn’t a crime, and likely at least somewhat scary in person, I’d say it’s some of the best advertising Reese’s could get!